Finding Calm In The Chaos of Tantrums and Dysregulation: 4 Steps To Integrate Faith and Calm Parenting Using the PACE Method For Children With Special Needs

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I recently had the privilege of sitting down with Catherine Cowell for my podcast, and our conversation spoke directly to the unique path we walk as Christian mothers of children with additional needs. Catherine understands our journey intimately – she’s raising two adoptive boys (now 16 and 18) who have experienced trauma and attachment difficulties, and possibly some “undiagnosed neuro spiciness” as she lovingly put it.

When “Good Christian Parenting” Doesn’t Work

Let’s be honest – how many times have well-meaning people at church suggested parenting techniques that simply don’t work for our children? Catherine articulated something many of us have experienced: “the kind of normal good Christian parenting doesn’t work” for our kids. This disconnect can lead to isolation, with many parents eventually drifting away from church communities that don’t understand the complexity of our daily reality.

As Catherine shared, “I know quite a lot of people who have ended up moving away from church for whom it has really catalyzed quite a lot of questions about their faith and what they think about God.” If that’s you, please know you’re not alone on this journey.

Finding God in the Meltdowns: The PACE Approach

What struck me most about our conversation was Catherine’s introduction to the PACE model, created by psychologist Dan Hughes. PACE stands for Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, and Empathy – and I loved how she beautifully connected how it aligns with how God parents us.

Playfulness

Catherine shared a powerful story about redirecting her dysregulated son from throwing rocks at his brother to skipping stones in the canal. This wasn’t just clever parenting – it was understanding that when our children are in “fight or flight” mode (when their “lid is flipped” as we say), they physically cannot respond to correction until they’re regulated.

I love how Catherine connected this to our walk with God: “God is much more interested in our being and our existence than God is interested in what we do.” What freedom there is in knowing that God delights in simply being with us! When you’re overwhelmed by therapies, IEP meetings, and managing meltdowns, God isn’t demanding productivity – He’s inviting you into relationship.

Acceptance

For mamas, acceptance operates on multiple levels:

• Accepting our children exactly as God created them
• Accepting the reality of our challenging circumstances
• Accepting ourselves in our imperfect mothering

Catherine reminded us that “we are accepted unconditionally by God as we are,” which can be especially healing when we face judgment from others who don’t understand our children’s needs or behaviors.

I particularly appreciated her wisdom about in-the-moment acceptance: “In this moment, I am dysregulated and I am not coping.” Just acknowledging our current state without judgment can help us re-regulate – a practice as valuable for us as it is for our children.

Curiosity

Catherine beautifully explained how curiosity creates space for growth and understanding in both our parenting and our faith journeys. As special needs mothers, we’re constantly asking questions about our children and ourselves.

The gift of curiosity in special needs parenting:

• Helps us look beyond behaviors to understand the triggers behind meltdowns
• Creates space for us to explore our spiritual doubts without shame
• Enables us to approach challenges with a problem-solving mindset
• Invites us to see God’s work in unexpected places
• Transforms judgment (“Why won’t my child just behave?”) into understanding (“What is causing this reaction?”)

I found loved when Catherine suggested we ask ourselves:

• “What might be behind this behavior?”
• “What was the trigger for this meltdown?”
• “Why am I finding it difficult to accept myself?”
• “Why am I finding it difficult to accept that I’m loved by God?”

This kind of gentle questioning isn’t about finding fault—it’s about understanding with compassion. For me, this has meant:

• Learning to approach my son or daughter’s meltdowns with curiosity rather than frustration
• Asking “What sensory input is overwhelming him right now?” instead of “Why won’t she just cooperate?”
• Approaching my own spiritual doubts with exploration rather than shame
• Being open to divine insights that traditional parenting approaches would miss

Catherine emphasized that curiosity at all levels—for ourselves, our children, and the people around us—helps position us to solve problems from a place of understanding rather than judgment.

Empathy

The fourth element of PACE—empathy—resonated with me on a soul-deep level. As Catherine shared, empathy is something we need “at all levels really.”

Empathy in special needs parenting means:

• Truly sitting with the experience—both the joy and the heartbreak
• Recognizing challenging behaviors as communication, not defiance
• Seeing the world through our children’s unique neurological perspectives
• Extending the same compassion to ourselves that we offer our children
• Understanding that God sits with us in our struggles, not rushing to “fix” us

Catherine shared a powerful personal story that transformed how I understand God’s empathy: During a particularly difficult time, she needed psychotherapy. She reflected on how  her therapist sat with her in complete empathy. Through this experience, she understood that “God sits empathically with me.” This wasn’t about quick fixes but about genuine presence in suffering.

For special needs mamas, divine empathy means:

• God understands your exhaustion from constant advocacy
• He sees your heartbreak when others don’t understand your children
• He sits with you in hospital waiting rooms and difficult IEP meetings
• He knows the weight of worry about your children’s futures
• He holds your tears when we feel we’ve failed

When I internalize God’s empathy for me, I find:

• Greater patience with my child’s unique timeline
• More compassion for myself on hard days
• Deeper capacity to educate others without bitterness
• Renewed strength to continue when the path seems endless
• Sacred meaning in what others might view as burden

God as Our Therapeutic Parent

The image that will stay with me from this conversation is Catherine’s description of God as our “therapeutic parent.” Man special needs mamas seek out therapeutic parenting approaches – and Catherine helped me see the way that God parents us in a similar way:

“We were adopted by God and I know about adopted kids that they don’t start from perfect… And when you come with that kind of level of brokenness and trauma, not everything is going to go right. And so understanding that our heavenly father understands that is really, really helpful.”

For the Mama in Crisis

If you’re in a place of spiritual and parenting crisis right now, Catherine offered this gentle wisdom: start by simply listening to yourself. Notice what’s happening in your body, your mind, your heart. How do you see God in this moment? Where do you need His therapeutic parenting most?

For many of us, exhaustion is a constant companion. Catherine suggested beginning with rest when possible, even if it’s just “taking a moment to recognize what’s going on inside. Perhaps sitting down with a cup of tea for five minutes. Just stop. Just notice what’s going on in your body, what’s going on in your mind, in your heart.”

Grace in the Repair

Perhaps most comforting was Catherine’s reminder that when we inevitably lose our patience – when we shout or “flip our lids” (because yes, it happens to everyone!) – those moments of repair afterward become powerful teaching opportunities. When we apologize and reconnect, we model God’s grace in action.

Mama, remember we are not called to perfection. We are called to relationship – with our children and with our God who understands the complexity of our journey better than anyone else.

Connect with Catherine:

• Website: lovedcalledgifted.com
• Parenting Courses: andbreathe.org.uk
• Podcast: Love Called Gifted

Connect with the host: Elyse Scheeler

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