Self-Care Strategies for Overwhelmed Special Needs, Adoptive, and Foster Parents
As a speech-language pathologist and mom who has struggles with self care and burnout myself, I’ve learned firsthand the importance of caring for ourselves while caring for our children. In this week’s episode, I had the pleasure of speaking with Nicole Barlow, a parent trainer and wellness coach who brings a unique perspective to self-care for foster and adoptive parents.
Nicole’s Journey: From Calling to Crisis to Transformation
Nicole’s story begins in 2013 when God stirred her heart toward foster care through an encounter with a foster child in her Bible club. Though her husband initially said no to fostering, God worked in both their hearts through Scripture about caring for the fatherless. Within 24 hours of being approved as foster parents, they received their first placement – two children who would stay with them for two and a half years before reunifying with their birth mother.
But it was their next placement – a sibling group of five as an adoptive placement – that brought Nicole to her knees. Despite her professional background in parent training, she found herself struggling physically, spiritually, and emotionally. Her blood pressure soared, she gained 50 pounds, and depression set in. It was in her closet, her hiding place, where God met her through Numbers 11. Nicole recounts,
“The story of when the Lord’s providing manna for the people and the people are complaining about the manna. The Lord’s providing what they need and it’s still not enough. But Moses cries out to the Lord and he says, Lord, like, why did you give me these people? It is too hard for me. This burden is too much for me to bear. How do I go on? And I thought, wow, Lord, like, that’s me. Like, that is my exact cry to you. And I think he showed up for me in that moment, but he also gave me like tangible things. In that scripture, the Lord provides community for Moses. He talks about the elder stepping in and Moses not carrying everything by himself.”
Praying on that scripture reinforced her the importance of relying on the Lord, looking for community, and incorporating self-care. This experience transformed not only her approach to parenting but also her entire perspective on what it means to care for ourselves while caring for others.
Grief
What really touched my heart during our conversation was Nicole’s candid discussion about grief – especially when foster children return to their birth families. I know many of you have experienced this profound loss, and I appreciate how she emphasized that even though reunification may be the goal, you need and deserve time to process those emotions. As someone who has worked with children professionally and considered fostering myself, I deeply respect how you navigate these complex emotions while continuing to open your hearts to children who need you. Whether you’re new to fostering or adoption or have been on this journey for years, I hope you’ll take Nicole’s message to heart: taking care of yourself isn’t selfish – it’s essential to being the parent your children need you to be.
The WELL Framework: A Christian Approach to Wellness
During our conversation, Nicole and I discussed the powerful WELL framework for maintaining physical, mental, and spiritual health while navigating the challenges of special needs and foster parenting.
W – Worship
We emphasized that our strength must come from our source – God Himself, sharing practical tips like:
- Setting hourly prayer reminders
- Creating specific worship playlists for challenging moments
- Using the Bible app’s audio feature during difficult situations with children
- Making worship music a regular part of the morning routine
E – Establish Rhythms
Having predictable rhythms (not rigid schedules) helps both parents and children thrive. Together we emphasized:
- Creating realistic routines that allow for flexibility
- Scheduling non-negotiable self-care activities
- Planning ahead for meals and daily activities
- Building in grace for unexpected challenges
L – Listen to Your Limits
One of the most powerful parts of our conversation was about recognizing and respecting our limitations. Nicole shared how she learned this lesson through her foster care journey, highlighting:
- Understanding personal energy patterns throughout the day
- Recognizing when to ask for help
- Taking time to process grief and emotions
- Setting appropriate boundaries
L – Love and Laughter
The importance of joy and community cannot be overstated. We discussed how:
- Building relationships with other special needs/foster parents is crucial
- Finding ways to play and laugh reduces stress
- Creating separate spaces for adult relationships
- Understanding that joy is not selfish but necessary for healing
My Key Takeaway
What I hope listener take away from this episode is the emphasis on physical wellness as a spiritual practice. As a special needs parent (all parents really!), it’s easy to disconnect physical health from the ability to parent well. But as we pointed out, we cannot effectively regulate our children if we ourselves are dysregulated.
A Personal Note
As a mom who sometimes struggles with evening dysregulation (yes, I admitted to the occasional post-7 PM yelling!), this conversation reminded me that acknowledging our limits isn’t weakness – it’s wisdom. We’re learning to create new systems and rhythms that honor both our children’s needs and our own capacity.
If you’re a special needs parent, foster parent, or any parent feeling overwhelmed, remember that self-care isn’t selfish – it’s necessary for sustainable ministry to our children. Start with one small change, whether it’s creating a worship playlist, establishing a simple morning routine, or reaching out to build community with other parents who understand your journey.
Want to learn more about wellness strategies for special needs and foster parenting? You can find Nicole on Instagram @fosterwellnesscoach or check out her podcast “Foster Parent Well.”
Together in this journey, Elyse